Moving from Disconnection to Connection
Author’s Note: This article includes my personal story and perspective of events that may differ from other family members. I share this with love and without blame, recognizing it is the combination of experiences that have shaped my journey and growth.
I remember the day when I began to disconnect from myself. I was a kindergartener, shy and eager to learn. Yet I was already fearful of authority, including teachers. I had an accident during class one day and was too afraid to raise my hand. When my teacher realized what had happened, she pinned a note for my parents on my colorful dress as I left school that day. Even though I knew the teacher meant well — for me, it was a note of shame. While I needed comfort from my family, particularly my parents, I intuitively knew that no one could provide that support and empathy, so I began to disconnect internally, ruminating about the experience over and over, withdrawing into my shame as my inner critic grew: “You are bad. Bad Kerri. Don’t do that again.” However, my initial disconnection likely happened much more unconsciously at an earlier age before I could speak, as one of my main childhood traumas was emotional neglect. As I recall my experiences of disconnection over the years, and the underlying fears and shame that often pervaded it, I’m reminded how various forms of disconnection can also be interwoven with each other at times. It may be the disconnection from self and the disconnection from others. It may also be disconnection from nature or more existential, about the lack of clarity around purpose in life, as well as disconnection from global systems. Dr. Nicole LePera notes how “in order to emotionally connect with another person… you have to be emotionally connected with yourself.” In addition to its manifestation through loneliness, depression, and social isolation, disconnection can also negatively impact physical health, with studies finding it contributes to increased inflammation and a higher risk of mortality. According to a June 2025 report by the World Health Organization, “loneliness affects nearly one in six people globally (2014–2023) and causes about 871,000 deaths annually (2014–2019).”
Dr. Gabor Maté describes how “when you disconnect from yourself, you no longer have yourself. You’ve lost yourself.” For me, the trauma of emotional neglect combined with bullying and social exclusion at school, were key drivers of disconnection. My protector parts showed up strongly through overachieving, perfectionism, and people-pleasing while other parts of me remained hidden and suppressed, not able to express their authentic needs and desires. Like the time my mother called my 7th grade geography teacher the only time I ever got a “B” on my report card. I had begged her not to call, but she didn’t care how I felt. She was determined. It was a call of shame for me - not only had I not lived up to my own high standards despite my efforts, I had also clearly not lived up to her standards. She couldn’t see the other “A’s” and what I had done well. I needed a mom in that moment, but could not rely on her for any attuned, empathetic support. At the same time another student in that same class would pick on me relentlessly, and I dreaded it every day. I needed to be perfect in order to avoid further shame of my mom calling my teacher while also trying to minimize the bullying in class. My parents never knew about the bullying – I suppressed it all. I never got another B again and graduated at the top of my class in high school. The internal pressure was enormous. I was the kid unconsciously hoping for my parents' love and affection through achievement but the emotional nourishment and attunement never came in the way I needed it. Around the same time, I also began to use food to cope with the lack of emotional nourishment and support and avoid my painful feelings. I had no one to turn to, so food helped partially fill in that void. On a larger scale, Pete Walker, author of The Tao of Fully Feeling, describes how “[t]he epidemics of overeating, over-medicating, and overworking that plague America are also rooted in our mass retreat from feeling. When we are feeling-phobic, we are compelled to distract ourselves from our emotions with mood-altering substances, workaholism or constant busyness.”
In the United States, the Pew Research Center’s 2025 survey on “Men, Women and Social Connections” found that “about one-in-six Americans (16%) say they feel lonely or isolated from those around them all or most of the time – including roughly equal shares of men and women.” The study also found that adults younger than 50 are much more likely to say they often feel lonely. At a global scale, young people are particularly impacted. The World Economic Forum (WEF) included “youth disillusionment” in its 2021 Global Risks Report. The report highlights the multiple challenges affecting young people, such as dire economic and educational prospects and lower intergenerational mobility, as well as young people’s increasing frustration with those in political power over inaction to address issues such as climate justice and corruption. This combination of challenges has also contributed to the rise in mental health issues, including loneliness and anxiety, among young people.
This epidemic is complex and requires a multifaceted response. In my journey to consciously begin reconnecting as an adult, I have discovered four ways that have been especially helpful. While not intended to be comprehensive by any means, they are through (1) the body, (2) nature, (3) service, and (4) interpersonal development.
Reconnecting through the body
The body can be a pathway to support reconnection. Bessel A. van der Kolk, in his book The Body Keeps the Score highlights how “neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.” For me, reconnecting with myself through Salsa dancing in college, was key in my own healing and reconnection with my suppressed parts as well as in finding joy and community. While I initially struggled with simply finding the rhythm of the music, I persisted with learning the dance and began to feel in my body the incredible nourishment and joy it gave me. I also felt more confident and powerful. But I didn’t stop using dance as a tool for connection in college. More recently, I also attended a West Coast Swing beginner class and social for the first time. Despite the many mistakes I made in my footwork as a beginner, the experience not only made me feel playful, expressive, at ease in my body, and connected to myself, but also connected to the people I danced with and my broader community.
Through dance, especially social dancing like Salsa, Zouk, or swing, our bodies connect with the rhythm in the music, inviting our own self-expression and creativity to emerge. We also connect with our partner in a non-verbal way, exploring how it feels to follow or lead each other through partnerwork and often playful improvisation. Through our bodies we express the emotions and sensations that often go beyond words. Each dance genre has its own community of dancers which also creates opportunities to meet people in a fun way and support a sense of belonging. In a 2023 systematic review of 22 studies, researchers found that “Latin dancing can also reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety, improve cognitive function, improve mood and social connection, and reduce feelings of loneliness. Given these benefits, Latin dancing could be a useful addition to public health programs.”
In addition, somatic based approaches to coaching recognize that our neurology, psychology and biology are interconnected. Somatics incorporates a body-based mindfulness approach, where we learn to listen to the wisdom of our inner experiences. By going beyond the thinking mind, the body can also share its insights. Somatic coaching is informed by various modalities such as Gestalt, Focusing, Hakomi, and Organic Intelligence, as well as interpersonal neurobiology, polyvagal theory, and systems theory. It’s process-oriented and everything is welcome. While participating in an experiential certification training through the Somatic School, this type of coaching supported me by increasing my own clarity and reconnection to my emotions and inner sensations. It also created space to give voice to those parts of me that needed to express themselves.
Reconnecting through nature
Nature can also support reconnection. Indigenous communities have long understood and spoken about our interconnectedness with the environment. Being in nature reminds us of our connection to the planet, the impact of our every day actions, and our interdependence. During meetings with Indigenous leaders and civil society in my previous role at the State Department, I learned about the importance of Indigenous peoples’ connection to the land, their critical role as custodians of the forest, and the devastating impact of illegal mining and deforestation as well as targeted violence against Indigenous leaders. Sônia Guajajara, an Indigenous leader from Brazil, describes how “for Indigenous peoples, destroying Indigenous forests and territories is the same as destroying ourselves. Because our territory is our body, our spirit. Indigenous peoples have known for a long time that everything in this life is interconnected.”
The emerging field of eco-therapy also recognizes the link between emotional health and wellbeing and the natural environment. In a 2025 review on “Green healing: Ecotherapy as a transformative model of health and social care,” the authors note that eco-therapy “is not simply the extraction of health and wellbeing benefits from nature, but the reconnection of humans with their environments for the mutual benefit of human and planetary health.”
For example, through the mindfulness practice of forest bathing, originating from the Japanese practice of shinrin-yoku, we also have the opportunity to take in the powerful nourishment of the environment through our senses such as sound, sight, smell, and touch. Dr. Qing Li from Japan found that forest bathing reduces stress hormones, stabilizes the balance of the autonomic nervous system, helps improve sleep, and reduces scores for anxiety and depression. For me, going to my nearby park for a brief morning walk while intentionally taking in the soft breeze of the wind on my face, listening to the sounds of the crickets chirping, and watching the ducks in the water, has become a key part of my daily routine. It helps improve my energy and mood for the rest of the day, and I feel an increased connection to my environment. If I miss a day, I notice the difference.
In addition, studies are exploring the benefits of social connection experienced in nature. For example, the Recetas project is studying Nature-Based Social Prescribing (NBSP) in Europe, Latin America, and Australia. NBSP includes group activities practiced in nature to strengthen social ties such as community gardens and walking clubs. According to Jill Litt, whose team proposed the Recetas study, “If Recetas is successful, this can really change the model of care to be more person-centred, to rely less on pharmaceutical interventions, and to utilise our communities as part of the way health is managed." The implications clearly point to the important role of nature as part of the solution to reconnection, and can also potentially be amplified through service.
Reconnecting through service
Service can provide us with a deeper sense of purpose and meaning in life. Through it, we can reconnect with what is truly important to us.
After I graduated from college with a bachelor’s degree in international relations and Spanish, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I felt pressure from my parents to get a job, especially since I was living with them again. Probably even more of the pressure was internal though. However, beyond a position at the local airport, what was there for someone with an international relations degree to do in northern Minnesota? I kept writing cover letters for jobs that I had no interest in. I was lost. I don’t remember how I found out about AmeriCorps but recall getting called in for a general interview. I ended up serving as an AmeriCorps member at Hermantown Elementary School, just beyond my hometown. Outside of a specific reading program I was asked to implement during the school day, I was given plenty of space to leverage my creativity and develop after-school programming. I launched programs focused on math, Spanish, Latin dance, and the environment, and recruited volunteers and work study students from local universities to support the various initiatives. It was a lot of work, but I loved the freedom to create and make things happen. I felt a purpose, new energy, and a stronger connection to my community.
In a 2023 study on the effects of volunteering on loneliness among older adults, researchers found that “volunteering has a beneficial effect on volunteers’ loneliness, stress, depressive symptoms, and social network engagement.” However, it’s important to acknowledge that there are nuances to the impact of volunteering or altruistic acts. Volunteers may overdo it, which can have a detrimental effect on our bodies. For me, fostering cats and kittens for several years in Washington D.C. was deeply rewarding, but it was also physically and emotionally draining at times. This was especially the case when taking care of sick kittens who needed frequent care throughout the day and night. Motivation also matters. According to a 2012 study, “volunteering behavior was not always beneficially related to mortality risk: Those who volunteered for self-oriented reasons had a mortality risk similar to nonvolunteers. Those who volunteered for other-oriented reasons had a decreased mortality risk, even in adjusted models.” Dr. Stephen Post highlights how “it’s not how much you do for others, but the kindness you pour into it.” For me, my motivation to volunteer with fostering kittens was connected to the strong sense of empathy and kindness for others that I had developed as a sensitive child.
Reconnecting through interpersonal development
Growing up in an emotionally neglectful and sometimes chaotic home, I didn’t learn how to authentically relate with members of my family. I didn’t see anger modeled in a healthy way, sadness wasn’t openly expressed, and displays of affection were rare. I remember when my parents dropped me off for camp in the summer; they would give me a hug because that’s what other families were doing. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and awkward. For me, and many others who didn’t experience secure attachment growing up, we didn’t learn or see healthy models of interpersonal relating. Over the years, I read many books about personal development. However, beyond therapy or coaching, I wasn’t aware of opportunities to intentionally practice interpersonal development skills with other people in a healthy way.
I discovered Authentic Relating from Heidi Priebe’s podcast and went to the level one training in Washington DC. When we sat down in a circle together and started to share at the beginning of the workshop, I admitted to the group that a part of me wanted to run out those doors while another part of me wanted to stay. Because other participants had shared in a vulnerable way, I also felt safe to share more openly as well. By the end of the day, I felt a subtle but powerful shift inside of me. It was like part of that emotional void that had been inside me for many years began to soften as I allowed more parts of me to be seen. Ryan Kestano, co-founder of ART International, in his book Authentic Relating shares “may we welcome all the parts of ourselves, the light and the shadow, the revealed and the hidden, the painful and the comforting, with love, care, and curiosity, and may we welcome all these parts in others, giving space for everything and everyone to be exactly as they are.” Based on Authentic Relating, The Realness Project provides incarcerated individuals in Colorado with “trauma-informed, experiential workshops that build communication, emotional resilience, and conflict transformation skills inside prison walls.” The benefit of the tools learned in the program extend beyond the prison with a recidivism rate of less than 5% among graduates. It’s clear that the benefits of learning interpersonal development skills not only can have an individual impact, it also has the potential to shift societies.
Conclusion
Moving from disconnection to connection has been a prominent theme in my life, and it is an area where I continue to grow and evolve. Until we get to the core of the issue, old patterns are bound to repeat themselves in various ways no matter what our age. Experiencing disconnection as a kindergartener and throughout my childhood from emotional neglect affected how I responded years later to experiences at work. The wound of invisibility as a bullied and neglected child was retriggered by the invisibility I felt as a contractor at the State Department for over 10 years. As a child, I unconsciously hoped for my parents' love and affection through achievement which never happened in the way I needed. Similarly, years later, no matter how well I performed at work or how many certificates I accumulated, my contractor colleagues and I were never treated on par with our federal employee peers who worked alongside us, despite doing the same work in practice. The institution refused to see us as part of the workforce and chose to keep treating us as invisible, similar to how I never felt truly seen as a child. My protector parts continued to respond with perfectionism and people-pleasing. I felt stuck in a similar way to years ago.
However, I wasn’t a child anymore. I became aware of the various forms of disconnection I was experiencing and their roots. I began to become conscious of the patterns replaying themselves in an often frustrating way. By connecting through my body, nature, service, and practicing interpersonal development skills, I am continuing to learn to step into my power and reconnect with my authentic self and others in a healthy way. I still have a long way to go. I feel that my story is just getting started. I encourage you to take what is useful from these pages to support you in your own journey. As Najwa Zebian writes “The feeling of home is the feeling of I’m together with myself. This togetherness includes all the elements of your being.” Through reconnecting with your authentic self, others, community, and nature, I hope that you find your own feeling of home and togetherness.
